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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

To the Sherwood Police Department: by Mary Jones-Mills

To the Sherwood PD:

by Mary Jones-Mills on Tuesday, June 14, 2011 at 2:22pm
To the Sherwood PD:
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Sherwood police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Sherwood by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) on JFK Blvd and Kiehl Ave. in Sherwood. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of gasoline that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately, they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
****************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Dear Ms. ----
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable for you.
Regards
PC 387
Community Beat Officer
****************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Dear PC 387
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for the Sherwood Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly, I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in Sherwood, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

Whilst I realize that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Sherwood such as smoking in a public places or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these t***s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere? The liquor store behind the Nail Salon or the one at JFK and North Hills are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of Kiehl Ave.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on 555 **** If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a donut at the Circle K.
Regards
---------
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the maxi-pad company...

Saturday, June 18, 2011

It's a man eat dog world: Ean Bordeaux



MEET HIM: Hot Dog Guy
When you order a Willy Dog from this River Market Vendor, he'll be perfectly frank.
by Mellissa Tucker
05/09/07 SyncWeekly.com pg. 7

By day he keeps his eye on fraud and corruption in Central Arkansas. By night, he’s your friendly River Market hot dog salesman.

If you’ve got a penchant for the political scene (and lots of time to spare). Stop and ask him about misconduct in Pulaski County Special School District or corruption in general.  Amid drunken street walkers, hollering passengers and honking cars on president Clinton Avenue-and next to a pyramid of foil wrapped buns, you’ll get an earful. If you really get him going he’ll probably shake his tongs at you while making his point.  Ean Bordeaux maintains 12 blog's with titles ranging from “Slum Watch” to “Katrina Investigations” to “Child Predator Watch News Index”-and each of them would make a public official cringe.  

He was born in Chicago but has lived somewhere new almost every year of his life.  But one thing that was always constant, His family’s summers in Arkansas [and Louisiana]. He says Arkansas [and Louisiana] are the closest to home he’s known and considers himself a southerner.

Bordeaux spends his time petitioning for the rights of Creoles and had a run as a country music singer in Nashville. Nowadays he can be found under a multicolored umbrella in the River Market selling Willy Dogs. (He says he bought that umbrella because it was the sturdiest one he could find, “but I get asked a lot if I’m gay.” He’s say he’s not, so you can stop asking)

And he has plenty of stories to share from his time spent watching downtown. “Do you know John Popper?”, he asked. (Blues Traveler played at the Rev Room on april 15)

“I fed him. He and his bodyguard ate a Big Willy.” Bordeaux said, adding that he gave the one to Popper but made the bodyguard pay for his.

“Then they went over to Ernie Biggs and had shots of Patron and had kind of an after party."  He has a great relationship with the policemen and cab drivers downtown.  “The policemen downtown are some of the best you’ll meet”. Bordeaux said, “about 95%  of them.  But the bad ones are really bad.”

The cabbies often grab him extra supplies like ice and mustard.

And the hot dogs, well-"I tasted a bunch of different brands until I found the right ones, and that’s no fun.  But when you find the right one, you stick with it.

Bordeaux claims to have the best gourmet hot dogs in the city.

"These are upper middle grade, which is more than what this market usually gets around here.”, he said.

And the way that Bordeaux cooks his dogs make them different.  “Some people boil it with just meat and water, we’re not English.

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